Annalizing

Something you have to forgive yourself for

Growing up, I felt guilty about everything, and eventually had to let it all go and forgive myself of everything because while some people in my life used guilt as a tool with me to be the kind of person they wanted me to be, I somehow came to the realization that this was stupid, because God doesn't expect me to be perfect right now, and that beating yourself over the head for every little thing, even things that are nothing is not a way of helping you to progress and become a better person (or at least for me) was rather, just a way to decrease my already low self-esteem.

So during my teenage years and up until my mission I never really had a problem of forgiving myself for things.  This is not to say that I'm just one of those people that hurts people and then just shrugs and says to them, all well, I'm not perfect and I don't have to be, so deal with it.  (just if you were wondering)

Then on my mission, Satan tries everything to thwart the work and I felt guilt creeping into my life again.  It seemed like all of my companions struggled with it as well at least at one point or another.  Guilty because we accidentally forgot to set the alarm and woke up at 6:35, guilty because instead of only having a lesson for 30 minutes, it lasted an hour. Guilty because sometimes I needed a full hour of lunch so that I could take a little nap or just slow down for a minute, instead of shoving food in my mouth as fast as I could so we could go and talk to more people.  It went on and on, and at first I found it quite ridiculous, but as I felt myself completely surrounded by it from other missionaries and companions, I struggled.  Until one day I had another confirmation that God was proud of the things I was doing, and that these guilty feelings were indeed not of him, because they were not inspiring me, they were only degrading me.

So in the end, if there ever is something I need to forgive myself of, it is probably that I am not perfect right now.